birthing parents.

First pregnancy.
Got my book.
I remember excitedly noting baby's growth, week 12...week 22...week 27...

Third trimester.
Baby's arrival seems imminent.
Weeks away from a forever changed life.
What am I doing?
How can I handle a whole baby coming out through my VAGINA?
 

I don't know about you, but it took me MONTHS to work up the courage to read about the mechanics of delivery, because quite frankly, that's all it was,  a mechanical means to the end. I was terrified...and extremely motivated to uncover one crucial thing...and that was how to avoid the tearing of my bottom. Gag. Oh My. Holy Capoly. Stop the train. Tear my what??? Ummm...no...this must not happen. Hot flashes of fear. Hyperventilation. PAAAAAAANIIICCCC.

While I lacked a concrete plan there was one thing I always knew I would do, and that was to sign up for the Birth Rhythms pregnancy dance class* which claimed I could "have some fun with that belly while you can!" SOLD! Totally signed up. Little did I know that it would open up a world I had never known, and one that would change the way I would view my role as a mother.
 

Some dancing, some talking, a lot of bellies around me and then all of a sudden the Holy Grail of my birthing world was revealed to me...I started to discover there were IN FACT some things I could do during the birthing process to protect my precious perineum. UMMMM...SIGN ME UP A MILLION TIMES OVER BIRTH RHYTHMS LADIES...TELL ME THAT GOODNESS AGAIN?!!!!
 

I was shocked to discover that positional changes during the pushing phase could actually decrease (DEEEEE-CREAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSE) my chances of tearing. I'm pretty sure I left that class with the solid conviction that I would NOT be lying on my back and looked forward to speaking with my Doctor about this all the while wondering why on earth this had not been discussed at prenatal appointments or with any of my health providers for that matter. Seemed like a gaping hole (pardon the pun) in the entire prenatal education section as far as I was concerned. Put extra pressure on my perineum, NO THANK YOU.

(And yes, it's okay to note that my concern was primarily for my self at this point and not my unborn child...in my naivety I assumed that it was my job to push the baby out and hadn't actually considered that this wee babe in utero had a role to play in this dramatic entrance. I was still entirely me, only Kirsty, not a mother, certainly not responsible for an entire human being. Seems dumb writing that now, even a little sad, but I was not the most "connected" to my child during pregnancy. Don't worry, we've turned out very well...just this evening she professed her love by declaring I was her best Momma. It goes without saying that she's my best girl. Phew, while the in utero relationship is important, don't panic...it doesn't "ruin" your ability to love that baby once they leave the womb!)
 

Anyway, back to the post...there was one other thing I was (no, still AM) afraid of, and that was needles. It was my understanding that as soon as a woman got settled at the hospital she was to receive an IV. Shudder. Terrifying. I was less terrified of labour than I was of that. Contractions, yes. Needles, umm, no. The thought of being poked in my hand still makes me shiver and tighten up. There are reasons for that, but for this telling, we'll just leave it be.
 

One thing became clear to me. I was running out of time.

Babies don't stay in the womb forever (in spite of how full term pregnancy feels to many women). There is a quote on the Birth Rhythms site that says, "then the time came when the risk it took to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blosssom!" ~ Anais Nin. I prayed that I would reach the point where I would be more consumed by ending pregnancy than avoiding birthing. In the meantime, I began to seek out information that would speak to my fears, concerns and questions. And then all of a sudden it hit me; while I was preparing for the birth of our baby, our baby was preparing for the birth of her parents.
 

Given that I had yet to experience birth, I realized something profound...educating myself and facing my fears was the first loving parental decision I had ever made for my child. Of course there were a lot of unknowns, but rather than pace back and forth in a state of anxiety, I began to address my fears one by one...and as I did that, I found a circle of supporters who would be both present and prepared to help me navigate these uncharted waters. 

What I gained from my time in Birth Rhythms was so much more than the mechanics and anatomy of birth. Having a dedicated weekly time to focus on and prepare for our child's arrival showed me the inherent value of caring for myself. It modeled a simple but vital approach that would keep me actively engaged in my parenting journey. Those small snippets of reflective time were the seeds sown into my maternal habitual life that have continually protected my heart and children from roots of frustration, anxiety and resentment.
 

I have discovered that the birthing process of becoming a parent and each day after that involves honesty, fear, courage, love, thoughtfulness, faith, knowledge, teamwork, and perseverance.

It seems so simple to say that I wanted to take a movement class, and what transpired was the first few steps in the dance of a lifetime with my beautiful Charlotte Ann. Lead me on little Lady, I might step on your toes, but I'll always be near and my eyes will be on you the whole time!

*Birth Rhythms now offers a variety of fitness and childbirth education classes for expectant parents.