Blog

Most of the women in the current dance session have heard me speak of my neighbour Betty. My wonderful, strong neighbour named Betty who woke up on Friday February 3rd, walked the few hundred feet from our homes to Broadway Avenue on her way to work, and was struck by a speeding vehicle. We joke in our culture when speak about cherishing life because "one day you could be walking down the street and get hit by a bus." Well, this is what happened to her. Not only was she struck down in her 68th year of life, but the assailant kept driving, leaving her alone on the snowy, frozen winter road. Abandoned. Left. Lost.

What you might not know about this Woman is that she has the determination, grit and mental strength of a ferocious lioness. Having lived next to this wonderful lady for almost a decade, it didn't take me to long to see that her beautifully kept home and blooming flowers pots and gardens were the product of a disciplined and hard-working human being. It was this strength of character that made me want to share a bit of Betty in the MommaGO-GO class the following week. Even though we are tired with our small children, I think it's good to be reminded of our blessed circumstances and that day in class we dedicate all of our hip-shaking to Betty! She is never one to pass up the opportunity to find something good in every situation. Even while my heart was hurting for my Friend, I knew the best thing I could do was to pass along a word of encouragement to the moms around me. 

Over the years it was not uncommon to end up chatting over the fence, getting to know one another. Then the babies came. Our babies. Betty came to meet Charlotte in December of 2006, bearing the gift of a pink bunny with the word "BABY" written on his large rear hopping foot. If you've ever met our daughter, you've likely met "Conky Conejo" [spanish word for rabbit pronouced coe-nay-ho]. Her childhood companion, Conky, is the gifting from a kind neighbour delivering a cuddly toy for our new baby girl - and he has been the steady joy in her life. He comforts, entertains, cuddles and accepts all physical challenges she presents to him. It's not uncommon to find Conky in a predicament that involves being stuffed into small containers, wrapped in ribbons or being thrown from heights that would make any human faint...and he takes it all in stride.
 

Back to Betty...

She currently faces months of rehabilitation and has gone from 68 years of physical freedom to being at the mercy of her caregivers while she recuperates from this massive violation to her person. From her own mouth and those of our neighbours, we've all struggled to understand the how and why of these circumstances. Such a tremendous challenge that produces moments where all seems lost for this wonderful woman I've grown to care about. And you know what, I cannot do a darn thing to change her physical circumstances, not one. So I've done the best that I know how to do which is to stop in, give a hug, listen and then take the remnants of those visits and pray for my friend.

Now to you...and me...

Betty has raised her children, and they are with her now, by her side, caring and providing. And how did a woman raise such children? Let me tell you, the hard-working, big-hearted habitual way of living began for her many years ago when her children were small...and these are the little snippets that she's given to me as a young mom. She's never once made light of my fatigue or the demands that I face in rearing small humans. She's been empathetic, encouraging and always has a kind word of story reflective of how she made the best and continues to make the best out of life's challenges.

So we come to loving being lost.

Experiencing feelings of loss, discomfort and pain is hard; quite frankly, it is terrible. But what I'm realizing is that we cannot know these pains unless we've come from a place of safety, comfort and joy. To be removed from pleasure and peace temporarily is not the end of life as we know it...it's a measuring stick.

There have been many days where I've felt lost in my mothering journey, overwhelmed by the responsibility and constant care required by these tiny human beings. Then I see Conky Conejo and remember my Friend Betty...telling me to hug the kids lots and just enjoy the simple things with them. Kids don't need expensive toys or fancy trips. Give 'em a box, a plastic container, a spoon and a pot, if they're happy playing with 8 plastic straws then by all means, let them do it. Give yourself a break, take a moment to breathe, and let that lost moment pass you by. Below is a pic of the kids in a little tent Betty gave us a couple of years ago. Someone was about to throw it out and she thought of my us and said it was a perfect little play place for little children. We use it all the time!

While increasingly rare these days, I have had several moments (even a period of several years following the birth of my daughter) where I was convinced that my parenting had become so weak, ineffective, almost neglectful and/or damaging to my child...and I would despair. I would lose all hope for any health or love remaining for our future relationships. It was lonely, embarrassing and a dark place to travel and an even darker place to live in.

As it turns out, it is a path well known by many parents. This journey however, is not one we want to share with those around us. Unlike a rewarding and pleasure-filled trip to a tropical climate, arriving to destination "lost" is accompanied by incessant internal dialogue laying blame, fault and pre-determined failure. "You SUCK! You're ruining your child! What a LOSER you are! Can't you do it better than THAT?" That's what we tell ourselves, or at least I did. I referred to myself as a garbage parent. My life was past recycling, past being "someone else's treasure" - just a heap of waste with no functional use in my given environment.

I'm learning something though, that couldn't be farther from the truth. On a particularly down day a wise and knowing friend told me that she didn't think I was stuck in a valley. In fact, she believed I was wandering a familiar path from mountain top to valley AND, here's the clincher, I was meeting other people in those valleys. Revisiting former "lost places" is not the landmark site of permanent failure, but rather a place to stop, look around and perhaps meet others who happen to be in the exact same place!

While depression, grief and loss are heart-crushing, I cannot help but believe there is inherent value of being able to relate to another fellow human being. Allowing another person to see a glimpse of normalcy maybe even hope in their private chaotic state of heart and mind makes those dark days worth it.

There can be no limit to the worth of a kind word or an encouraging hug. I'm determined not to let my past hurts go to waste. Carrying the burden of shame for my "lost places" is like trying to drive home from a holiday on a flat tire and a bent rim. You might get there, but it will be painfully slow and can often cause more damage to the whole of the vehicle. Repair costs go up and often take longer than initially expected. The frustration of a bad moment or an event is painfully dragged out. Rather than tough it out until you "get to a better place" its wise to stop, take a moment and ask for help. It doesn't mean the pain or problem goes away, but you've got someone there to help alleviate and minimize the damage.

I've also learned that when I extend kindness to others it has shown my children a vital survival skill...we need other people in our lives to support and encourage us. And as a parent that has been "lost" many times, it is a great reward to see the fruits of kindness and compassion being grown in a home where I once saw nothing but barren, empty landscape.

This was brought to my attention again as Betty uttered the same words a couple of weeks ago while lying in her hospital bed, waiting anxiously for her body to recover.  One thing I’m sure of, with a strong heart and mind like that, she is sure to come out of this stronger than ever. Please be encouraged today Friend!